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A+ Advice for ParentsFight back against cyber-bullyingBy Leanna Landsmann Q: My sixth-grade daughter became withdrawn last week and refused to go to school. I ultimately learned that she'd been the target of "cyber-bullying." We think a classmate took a humiliating picture of her with another boy's cell phone and sent it with a hateful message to a long list. Tonya is devastated and can't wait for school to end. I'm furious she wouldn't tell me. I think the school should punish the boys but they've been slow to respond. How can I press this issue? A: Cyber-bullying is harassment using electronic devices though mobile phones, e-mail, instant messaging, text messages, blogs and Web sites. It has exploded in the last few years and compromises kids' well-being at home and school. It causes fights on campus and affects daily attendance. Districts work aggressively with local law enforcement to locate the source of the bullying. "This question breaks my heart," says Marissa Gehley, a counselor at Burbank, Calif., Unified School District, and founder of KNOW (Kids Need Our Wisdom). "These technologies can do much good, yet give kids tools to hurt each other in new, damaging ways. Students who wouldn't think of shouting horrible things about a classmate in a full auditorium will type a terrible insult, hit send and hurl it into cyberspace." Why wouldn't Tonya tell you? "Kids' biggest fear is that they will be punished in the name of protection, taking away their own computer or cell phone privileges. Tonya might also have been afraid of what the boys would do if confronted," says Gehley. "Keep up communication with her even if she's hard to draw out. Encourage her to think about what she can do to resolve the problem. That way she builds problem-solving skills and the confidence that she has the power to right wrongs. For example, she could meet with local police officers who work at school to learn more about dealing with these behaviors, or, with the school counselor present, confront the boys at school." Why hasn't the school punished the boys? "It's hard to say with the information you provide, but my guess is that they are trying prove who took the photo, and the district policies may not have kept up with the explosion in cyber-bullying," says Gehley. "That's not an excuse to ignore the problem, but it is a wake-up call for educators and parents to deal with it." What can you do? The most productive efforts will get this problem out in the open. Gehley suggests these steps. -- Get cyber-savvy at home. Teach kids about the good, the bad and the ugly of the Internet. Don't assume that kids know never to give out passwords and personal information, or respond to inviting pop-ups saying "Congratulations, you won!" "Children must be taught to navigate this new world," says Gehley. "Some teachers cover this when they show kids how to use the Web for research, but ultimately it's the parents' job to teach and monitor responsible Web use." Find resources at cyber-safe-kids.com, stopcyberbullying.org and cyberangels.org. -- Work with the school. Most schools have policies to combat cyber-abuses, but the problem isn't theirs alone to fight. Ask the school counselor or PTO president to make cyber-savvy behavior a priority. Invite a local expert, perhaps from law enforcement, to offer a workshop for parents that helps them monitor and guide children's Web use without denying them access, says Gehley. "Help the school craft policies to deal with cyber-bullying and other abuses. Set sensible cell phone policies: do students really need to arrive at school with phones that take pictures, play music and allow texting? Let's arm our kids with simple 'calls only' phones." -- Involve the community. People understand the threat of a bully on the playground or street corner, but many are still unaware of bullying in cyberspace, says Gehley. "Research shows that when children are taught to take a stand against bullying, the behavior decreases. Children will only take a stand if they know the adults in the community won't tolerate bullying behavior of any kind. Invite local youth, religious and community leaders to join the school's efforts." -- Find a balance. "Kids will use these technologies whether or not you help them navigate the dangers," says Gehley. Be proactive: Monitor how long they can use the computer, what sites they visit, how many text messages they send and to whom and so on. The smart parent of wired kids will also maintain a very human connection to those kids and their technologies. Every day, talk about and together investigate the Web's wonders while you point out the dangers and the downsides." Counselor Tip Some bullying behavior stems from a lack of Manners 101, says Burbank, Calif., school counselor Marissa Gehley. "Many classroom problems could be avoided if kids applied the "Golden Rule" at school. My new favorite book on the topic is "Dude, That's Rude! Get Some Manners!" (Free Spirit; 2007), written by two moms in humorous 'kid-speak.' Give it to a kid and you just might get a thank-you note in return!" Copyright 2007, United Feature Syndicate, Inc. A-PLUS ADVICE FOR PARENTS 4-30-07 Submission inquiries? Contact Dave Gladney at 856-241-7772 or dgladney@AEPweb.org.
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