When dealing
with drugs, be a parent, not a friend
By Leanna Landsmann
Q: My teenage son has a "study buddy," and he benefits from the
focus his friend provides. The other night, when I took this boy home, he dropped
his backpack, and a baggie and rolling papers fell out. He didn't think I saw
it. While I communicate well with my son, I feel awkward bringing this up because
I worry it will harm their friendship. Should I talk to the school counselor?
A: No. This is not the school's responsibility. You're experiencing
what counselor Stephen Wallace, chairman of SADD (Students Against Destructive
Decisions) calls "the reality gap" -- that distance between wishful
perceptions of what teens are up to and what they may be doing when you aren't
looking. Even with good communication, the gulf between parent and teen
widens quickly, says Wallace, author of "Reality Gap" (Union Square,
2008). "Try a technique I call 'holding on while letting go.' It teaches
him to make sound decisions in your absence." How do you put Wallace's
advice into practice? First, get educated. "Studies show that 1 in
3 seventh- to 12th-graders have used or are using drugs," says Wallace. Go
to freevibe.com. Call the
National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information for pamphlets (800-788-2800)
or visit health.org. Get free Parenting Tips from the Office of National Drug
Control Policy (whitehousedrugpolicy.gov). Armed
with knowledge, have "the talk." Practice what you'll say. Your son
may get angry or change the subject. You may feel frustrated because your son
is friendly with someone who appears to be using drugs and may be using himself.
Set these feelings aside, says Wallace. "Have the conversation when you are
calm and have time." Describe what you have observed. State your concerns.
"Don't disparage his friend or accuse your son. Simply say what you saw.
Explain that drug and alcohol use is dangerous, may lead to other risky behaviors,
and that it's your job to keep him away from danger and help him make good decisions
in the face of peer pressure." Stay calm and firm. "Don't get
trapped in an argument," says Wallace. "Find out what's going on with
'just the facts' questions. Ask if friends use drugs. Has he tried marijuana or
alcohol out of curiosity? Be a dispassionate detective." "Follow
'facts' with 'feelings,' says Wallace. "Tell him you love him, that you're
worried that he might use drugs or alcohol. Stress that drug use has serious consequences.
Remind him you're there to listen and help him figure out what to do." Decide
the next steps when you have a good grasp of the situation. These could include
contacting the boy's parents, and, depending on your son's involvement, closer
monitoring, setting new rules with enforceable consequences that are reasonable
-- such as a new curfew, no computer privileges for a period of time, less time
with certain friends and involvement in new activities. Understand what
your son really wants. SADD surveys show that despite what parents think, teens
seek structure. Here's what teens say they want from parents: - Set
curfews; ask teens to check in by phone throughout the evening, and stay up until
they return home. "A staggering 70 percent of teens say they would be less
likely to drink or use drugs if they knew their parents would be awake when they
got home," says Wallace.
- Limit overnights. Teens say that when they
know they don't need to come home, they are more likely to break parents' rules.
-
Call other parents. "Coordinate expectations and supervision," advises
Wallace. "This offers moral support to parents whose teens say they are 'the
only ones' who have rules."
- Enforce consequences for breaking rules.
Three-quarters of teens say that punishment imposed by parents is effective in
convincing them not to repeat the offending behavior.
Keep asking
the Who? What? Where? When? How? questions. "This won't be the last conversation
you have about drugs and alcohol. Make it an ongoing discussion through the teenage
years," says Wallace. For more information, go to RealityGapTheBook.com. Do
you have a question about your child's education? E-mail it to Leanna@aplusadvice.com.
Leanna Landsmann is an education writer who began her career as a classroom teacher.
She has served on education commissions, visited classrooms in 49 states to observe
best practices, and founded Principal for a Day in New York City. Copyright
2009, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
A-PLUS ADVICE FOR PARENTS 2-16-09 Submission
inquiries? Contact Stacey Pusey at 302-295-8349.
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